Zombie Dick Clark Wants Our Brains!

January 1, 2009

It’s hard not to stop at Dick Clark New Year’s Rockin’ Eve when channel surfing for the best countdown from Times Square. Ryan Seacrest now handles most of the intros and blather, but he still kicks back to Dick for color commentary. And that’s when it gets scary: Dick’s skin is drawn back on his head like a wax mask, he moves in spastic jerks, and he slurs his speech.

The official explanation is that Dick had a stroke in 2004, and he’s still recovering. I beg to differ. Dick is an 83-year-old zombie, and he needs an increasing number of brains to maintain his youthful appearance. But it’s not working as well as it used to. That’s why he manages to herd thousands of young people into Times Square every year: so he can feed. We never see what happens after the ball drops, when the more drunk and stupid of the attendees (and you have to be pretty drunk and stupid to crowd into a space with no bathrooms or exits) are herded into the “police vans” and brought to his hotel suite.

You be the judge. Look at this photo from 2006:

Why is Dick smiling?

Why is Dick smiling?

Run, I tell you, RUN!

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