I Failed My Saving Throw Against My Own Geekiness

Hey, Dave, we have an extra spot in our campaign tonight. Why don’t you roll up a character and join us?”

“Sorry, I’m going out with my girlfriend.”

“Oh, yeah. Forgot about her. I gotta get me one of them someday.”

And that conversation, repeated over four years, is why I never played Dungeons and Dragons in college. It wasn’t until three years later that I played my first campaign, a homebrewed adventure written by one of my housemates. He felt it was essential that I have some D&D experience if I was going to continue writing interactive live roleplaying games (another story for another time).

Despite my mercifully brief brush with one of the oldest time-sucks, I must have been incubating a low-level infection for more than 25 years. What other cause could explain my inability to resist this offering from Jones Soda?

I ordered a 12-pack of Spellcasting Soda, which arrived today. Despite the clever names – which would probably mean a lot more to me if I had a copy of the Dungeonmaster’s Guide or Monster Manual – the contents are just some of the straight-up flavors Jones is known for:

• Dwarven Draught – Root Beer
• Potion of Healing – Black Cherry
• Sneak Attack – Cream
• Eldritch Blast – Green Apple
• Illithid Brain Juice – Grape
• Bigby’s Crushing Thirst Destroyer – Cola

I need to figure out which one to drink to give me the courage to order this year’s Holiday Pack. Turkey Gravy or Candy Corn soda, anyone?